I find that when I am confident and completely secure about a skill that I have, I do not seek external validation. It is when I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone or something that I know still needs work that I will ask for feedback and look to see if what I'm doing is on the right track.
Ultimately - if I know I'm killing it, I don't need it, if I'm insecure about it, I seek it out.
Yes, I think this presupposes trust in your own perceptions about yourself. This is something that I plan to explore in part 2 of this, how as a child ,feeling great about yourself and then being told otherwise leads to distrusting whether you're killing it at anything, even if some part of you thinks you are.
Sad Effing True! What if our voyage here on Earth is to get back to that utter trust in ourselves, come what may? With more understanding about context: where does our outrageous gorgeousness belong?
I’ve been confident in the past—mostly when it comes to my work as a designer. But that cliché, “the more I learn, the less I know,” feels real—and some days quite debilitating.
I want people to like my music. But I don't believe anyone when they tell me they do. Mostly I hear it from friends and family so what the hell else are they going to say? I say I do it because I like it but I really want to believe others do as well.
oh i feel this deeply. however i also believe you need to truly like your music (without the self criticism) in order for others to like it. this is something i still struggle with bc im so primed to hear all the imperfections in it. however if i dont listen for months and then relisten im always surprised at how good it sounds
This is great, thank you! I have had many ideas, pondered, visualized, procrastinated, and there were a lot of naysayers of dreams when seeking outside "advice". Confidence is a courage that comes within and nothing else matters when you do what calls you.
And...My cousin and his girlfriend are in the music scene in Philly- maybe you know them? Tim Motzer and Karen Gross- Karen has a podcast called "She Rocked It", about women in the music biz- check them out- contact Karen to be a guest on her show.
also I just realized my original response to this comment posted as a reply to the post instead of to you, which was regarding your cousin: thanks Robin! oh crazy do they do original music? maybe we ran in the same circles! (i was in an original band as well around the same time)
Sorry about that! I need to be more careful with replying from my phone!
Hi, Caroline: yes, Tim does create original music, Karen, too. Tim tours and has been for decades. Music is his life. Reach out to them- they would love to hear from you!
SHELL 🐚 YES, I seek external validation. And as a human being, it's truly, madly, deeply OKAY. Our brains are still back in the cave. We could die if ignored, abandoned, or left alone. So many of us were not seen and heard properly as children. So many of us were shut down at the exact moment we expressed our most gorgeous, real, full-on emotional and creative self. Not blaming parents, though. We have to do the laundry after all. It's our overly-productive, soul-sucking culture that we absorb internally. Now we're breaking free! 🙌🏽 Let it shine, darlin.
I don’t see this as so black and white. Human beings often learn by “scaffolding” off of one another. There’s no harm in a little external validation. But if our identity is wrapped up it, then that’s another issue. I’m a human being, not a human doing.
I definitely agree that there is utillity in external validation. I just think that if its one of the primary purposes of me undertaking an activity, I need to step back and unpack why that is.
I often get into the mistake of thinking that there will be a point where I get enough validation, or that the validation will last indefinitely. Like if I do [insert thing] then I will have proven to everyone that I am [capable / helpful / impressive etc] and I won’t have to prove it to anyone else again. This sounds stupid written out but I often get into never ending people pleasing because I think “if I just do this one more thing for this person…”
Thanks Lynelle, this is so true we mothers do so much thinking and anticipating and planning to be sure to meet or exceed the needs of our family members...all to little to no fanfare at all! I read once that every creation we make is an “offering” rather than something we put out to get something (praise or acclaim) back. this seems to mesh with your philosophy in that you are offering up your writing because it needs to be said and said by you. I need to remember this framing more often! very inspiring thank you!
I find that when I am confident and completely secure about a skill that I have, I do not seek external validation. It is when I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone or something that I know still needs work that I will ask for feedback and look to see if what I'm doing is on the right track.
Ultimately - if I know I'm killing it, I don't need it, if I'm insecure about it, I seek it out.
Yes, I think this presupposes trust in your own perceptions about yourself. This is something that I plan to explore in part 2 of this, how as a child ,feeling great about yourself and then being told otherwise leads to distrusting whether you're killing it at anything, even if some part of you thinks you are.
Sad Effing True! What if our voyage here on Earth is to get back to that utter trust in ourselves, come what may? With more understanding about context: where does our outrageous gorgeousness belong?
Quite wise, Anxious! And as brave creatives, we are often stepping out into new, scary terrain. That's what keeps it fun :)
I’ve been confident in the past—mostly when it comes to my work as a designer. But that cliché, “the more I learn, the less I know,” feels real—and some days quite debilitating.
I want people to like my music. But I don't believe anyone when they tell me they do. Mostly I hear it from friends and family so what the hell else are they going to say? I say I do it because I like it but I really want to believe others do as well.
oh i feel this deeply. however i also believe you need to truly like your music (without the self criticism) in order for others to like it. this is something i still struggle with bc im so primed to hear all the imperfections in it. however if i dont listen for months and then relisten im always surprised at how good it sounds
This is great, thank you! I have had many ideas, pondered, visualized, procrastinated, and there were a lot of naysayers of dreams when seeking outside "advice". Confidence is a courage that comes within and nothing else matters when you do what calls you.
And...My cousin and his girlfriend are in the music scene in Philly- maybe you know them? Tim Motzer and Karen Gross- Karen has a podcast called "She Rocked It", about women in the music biz- check them out- contact Karen to be a guest on her show.
also I just realized my original response to this comment posted as a reply to the post instead of to you, which was regarding your cousin: thanks Robin! oh crazy do they do original music? maybe we ran in the same circles! (i was in an original band as well around the same time)
Sorry about that! I need to be more careful with replying from my phone!
Hi, Caroline: yes, Tim does create original music, Karen, too. Tim tours and has been for decades. Music is his life. Reach out to them- they would love to hear from you!
btw, I met Angela, David Bowie's ex- she is a great lady and enjoyed hanging out and talking with her.
that is AMAZING!!! so jealous!
SHELL 🐚 YES, I seek external validation. And as a human being, it's truly, madly, deeply OKAY. Our brains are still back in the cave. We could die if ignored, abandoned, or left alone. So many of us were not seen and heard properly as children. So many of us were shut down at the exact moment we expressed our most gorgeous, real, full-on emotional and creative self. Not blaming parents, though. We have to do the laundry after all. It's our overly-productive, soul-sucking culture that we absorb internally. Now we're breaking free! 🙌🏽 Let it shine, darlin.
YES. 100% high five, 10/10 no notes!
Haha 😂 I’d take notes from you, darlin! We’re singing the same song at karaoke.
I don’t see this as so black and white. Human beings often learn by “scaffolding” off of one another. There’s no harm in a little external validation. But if our identity is wrapped up it, then that’s another issue. I’m a human being, not a human doing.
I definitely agree that there is utillity in external validation. I just think that if its one of the primary purposes of me undertaking an activity, I need to step back and unpack why that is.
I often get into the mistake of thinking that there will be a point where I get enough validation, or that the validation will last indefinitely. Like if I do [insert thing] then I will have proven to everyone that I am [capable / helpful / impressive etc] and I won’t have to prove it to anyone else again. This sounds stupid written out but I often get into never ending people pleasing because I think “if I just do this one more thing for this person…”
So my work is around recognising validation is fleeting and not a secure place to rest my sense of self. I wrote about it here: https://open.substack.com/pub/lucywhitaker/p/false-refuges?r=23j5c6&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
thanks Lucy! Will read now this sounds like a great fit.
thanks Robin! oh crazy do they do original music? maybe we ran in the same circles! (i was in an original band as well around the same time)
Thanks Lynelle, this is so true we mothers do so much thinking and anticipating and planning to be sure to meet or exceed the needs of our family members...all to little to no fanfare at all! I read once that every creation we make is an “offering” rather than something we put out to get something (praise or acclaim) back. this seems to mesh with your philosophy in that you are offering up your writing because it needs to be said and said by you. I need to remember this framing more often! very inspiring thank you!