Making A Magic Journal
How to paint with all the colors of the wind
Songpairing
*** Anytime I hear a chamber strings version of a pop song I immediately think of ‘Bridgeton.’ On that note, please enjoy this ‘Bridgerton-does-Disney’ classic. ***
I was born in 1983 but I didn’t exist in the present moment until early 2016.
Prior to that, I lived only in the past and the speculative future, viewed through a lens of self-loathing and snark.
There were moments of childhood awareness and wonder that I’m glossing over, but by middle school a relentless thought tornado had set in obscuring the present almost entirely.
My inner tornado would stay there for roughly twenty years until an outer tornado (by way of a cataclysmic, out-of-the-blue breakup) finally knocked it off its axis.
Unfortunately, it often takes outer tornadoes to really shake us out of ourselves.
And when the going gets tough, the tough embrace anything that will give them hope. For some this is organized religion. For me it was a mish-mosh of Buddhism, occultism, divination, manifestation, GOOP spirituality, etc.
Anything to feel like life had purpose and I had some control.
A by product of scarfing down these philosophies and ideologies to bypass my heartache is that I actually started to notice cool shit outside of my own head.
For example, to refrain from ruminating on my future, I would intentionally shift my focus to the flowers on my walk home from work.
I looked for beautiful and meaningful things everywhere to reinforce that life could be beautiful and meaningful. It gave me the fuel to keep going.
It was an exercise, and I got much stronger at it until one day —poof—I reappeared in the now.
I’ve been a sponge for the present moment ever since (mostly).
When the breakup pains started to subside and life moved on in its (only-in-hindsight) perfect way, I started to realize how I had shortchanged my first 30 years.
In those years, I had done some cool shit, and seen some cool shit, and had not taken any of it in.
Right before I started law school, I went on a vacation to Stockholm, Copenhagen, Helsinki and I got deported from the St. Petersburg airport (true story)!
But recalling those memories feels like watching a blurry VHS tape. I see scene flashes and muted colors as if I observed it but was never actually there.
Contrast this with my post-law school vacation to Thailand.
I can recall the smell of this table scape, the taste of the dishes, the vibrancy of the flora, the feel of the ocean—it just feels so much more real.
Last week,
shared a magical little synchronistic life-dance moment about how a duo-lingo question provided guidance to a bigger life query.This is the kind of occurrence that pre-present me never would have noticed, but now I soak in it gleefully.
And her chronicling of it has inspired me to make a magic journal. It was really easy, I just carved out a section of the weekly planner that I use.
The entries are very brief, just the date and some jotted notes:
Monday: “lady bug landed on my shoulder!”
Tuesday: “phone call from friend at 11:11!”
Or here’s a better one; Yesterday my son stayed home from school sick and I was trying to get him to nap and […hack…] I laid down with him hoping to facilitate this. It worked a little too well because I fell asleep too.
During this nap, I had some vivid dreams. When we both woke up, I asked my son if he had any dreams. As it turns out, we both had dreams where we were playing at home with the family cat.
We do not have a family cat!
This is exactly the kind of not-quite-coincidence that belongs in the Magic Journal. On days when life starts to feel more like the Little Mermaid, I can go back and recall these moments to bring back some Pocahontas (or Bangkok).
I’m not saying you need to do this too, but I stand with conviction in that it is an incredibly easy way to improve your life right now
We forget unless we write it down how extraordinary every day can be.
This week, may magic find you, and if you need to find me, I will be singing with all the voices of the mountain.
Hey again! Did you know that I am also a 40-year-old pop star (self-declared)? You can support my work by streaming or downloading these retro-pop bangers for your summer playlists. They are available everywhere you stream or play.
Bandcamp is the best for artists though :)
I can identify with this; well said! And our household strongly recommends acquiring a black cat to improve the general quality of life:)
Wow, what a great piece Caroline. I relate to that feeling of not having lived some years of my life - (also born in 1983 does that have something to do with it - those great 80s upbringings?)
For me, it was the realisation, sometime in my 30s, that I had spent most of my life in flight or fight or dissociation, and didn't know what it was like to feel regulated and normal. I also relate to eating up all that spiritual content to find meaning - a lot of which I am quite sceptical of now.
But more than anything, I am inspired (in return) that my attempts to find some inspiration in the desert summer of Dubai, also sparked you to start a magic journal. The little ladybird and shared dreams are beautiful. There is something in refinding those creative sparks and tiny moments even when we have responsibilities and other things pulling us away from them.